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People-pleasing is rampant with moms today. There are so many untruths about moms and people-pleasing out there. We think it’s “our job” to keep everyone happy and on track with everything. If we don’t make everyone happy and do everything for everyone, we aren’t a good mom. If we don’t volunteer for everything at the school and church, people will talk. If we don’t do as much for our family as the woman next to us, it means we don’t love our family.
We will cover what a people pleaser is, signs of being a people pleaser, the main reasons people are people pleasers, and how to stop being a people pleaser.
What is a people pleaser?
A people pleaser (according to Google), is a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his/her needs or desires.
11 signs you might be a people pleaser:
- You say you agree with someone when you really disagree.
- You feel personally responsible for everyone’s feelings.
- Your schedule is filled to the brim with other people’s priorities.
- You apologize for everything even when it’s not your fault.
- You are addicted to saying yes.
- You avoid conflict at all costs.
- You need others to like you.
- You are addicted to saying yes.
- Offer help to anyone you ask (or don’t) even when you’re busy.
- Your happiness hinges on everyone else’s.
- If you do say no, you feel bad and change your previous answer of no to a yes.
Why people are people pleasers:
– They try to please everyone because they deal with low self-esteem and need to get approval from others to make them feel better.
– They want to avoid negative emotions. They don’t want to tell someone no because that will cause conflict and they don’t want to deal with that. Other negative emotions they could be avoiding are fear of rejection, fear of disappointing others, fear of criticism, etc.
– They naturally care for other people and genuinely like helping people.
– Just want to fit in and feel like they belong.
6 Tips on how to stop being a people pleaser:
1. Realize you have a choice. If you do or don’t want to do something, it’s your right. You are an adult and can choose for yourself.
2. Don’t automatically answer people when they ask you something, give them a time limit for your response. Say, “Can I let you know first thing in the morning?” or “Can I pray about it first?”.
3. Practice saying no to little things. This will give you the courage to say no to bigger things later.
4. Realize everyone is in charge of how they feel. If you make them feel a certain way by saying no, that’s on them. Their happiness is their business. It shouldn’t hinge on whether or not you say yes to their question.
5. Really love yourself. Don’t do things you don’t want to do. Don’t cancel plans you already had to say yes to someone else to avoid hurting their feelings. Love yourself and value the relationship you have with yourself.
6. Realize you are not everyone’s Chick-Fil-A sauce. Some people like Honey Mustard or Polynesian Sauce and you’re Chick-Fil-A sauce. Not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay.
Being a people pleaser is more about you and your relationship with yourself than it is about your relationship with other people. If someone isn’t going to be your friend anymore because you aren’t going to help them sell Girl Scout Cookies, then they aren’t really your friend. If someone doesn’t like you anymore because you don’t say yes to a last-minute time commitment, guess what, they aren’t your true friend either.
You don’t have to please everyone. Being a people pleaser puts a lot of unnecessary weight on your shoulders. You don’t need all of that on your shoulders. Adults have agency and can do whatever they want. Their feelings are on them. Don’t worry about upsetting them by saying no to something or disagreeing.
Don’t be addicted to saying yes, every single time someone opens their mouth.
It won’t get you to your dream life. It helps them build their life, not the other way around.
Start small, start saying no to little things, and soon you will be able to say no to bigger things too. It's worth it to say no to people.
If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will.
– Greg McKeown
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